How To Get Out of Bed

No, this is not a post about how to fill your day with glorious things that makes you want to bound out of the sheets and tackle the challenges head on.

This is a post about how hard it is to get out of bed when you’re carrying a 12 pound bowling ball on your belly.

I can do the pilates roll-up all day when in class and on a hard floor. But when it comes to middle-of-the-night breaks from my cushy slumber, my ab muscles say “no thank you” and will NOT get me upright.

So then I try to roll on to my side, hook the legs over the side of the bed and sit up sideways from there, per the tutorials found on Which would be great if I didn’t have the back bumper of the super-sized pregnancy pillow in the way and/or if I had a rope I could grab on to to heave myself to the left.

Next up, I try to roll all the way over to my belly (propping myself up on my forearms as to not squish Eggroll) and to push back into a Child’s Pose to get beyond the confines of the maternity nest/torture device. This option does work, though I need to perfect it… I ended up lost in the sheets and pissing off sleeping Randy as I pulled the covers off of him.

I finally find my feet on the floor and engage the hamstrings to find myself upright and BAM – a shooting pain sends daggers up and down my left side, originating in the bum-el region.  Only four days ’til the next massage!

I walk it off on the way to the bathroom, do my business, drink some water and head back to bed (of course, stepping on Noah’s pointy deer antler on the way…) I try a horizontal Captain Morgan stance, flopping over the long side of the pillow as to make an air pocket for the belly, only to realize I can’t really reach the sheets I kicked off a few minutes ago.

A little more adjusting and I’m finally cozy again. Until I realize that I could really use a Kleenex. And some Chapstick. Damnit.

The next morning, when I tell Randy of my evening’s escapades, I think I earn a medal when the response is “really? I didn’t even realize you get up at night.”


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