First, Do No Harm – Frustration With Myself

I was all set to write a big post about frustration. Things haven’t been going along with my grand plans and its boiling up to a bothering point. I can’t seem to get focused enough to get anything going.

Then it happened.

I know it was bound to happen sooner rather than later, but I really wish it wouldn’t have happened on my watch. No, that’s not true. If it would have happened while someone else was watching Malorie, I would have still felt guilty, but then also super pissed at the guardian for not keeping a constant vigil.

Dubious Baby
I’m not sure about you, mama!

Yes, Miss Eggroll took a tumble off the couch today. Girlfriend was all ensconced in her boppy, playing with a tag blanket, when I made the big mistake of going to the kitchen to get my lunch. 34 seconds later, I heard a big THONK and the loudest cry girlfriend has ever made. My best guess is that she somersaulted off the edge, landing square on her back. Through tears (hers and mine), I called the doctor, then visited the doctor, and everything appears to be perfectly fine.

I’m still a wreck, which brings me to the next thing to beat myself up about – I needed comfort, so immediately (once I knew she was OK), I turned to thoughts of chocolate sundaes and baked goods. Dammit! Food is not a wooby blanket, its fuel! Tell that to the devil and angel that live in my brain. They first drove me to the McDonald’s drive-thru on the way home from the doctor, then pushed me away in a moment of clarity and gas fumes since the line was so long. Then (after I fell with car seat/Malorie and diaper bag in hand while getting out of the car… Geez… Don’t worry, I’m keeping my hands off Mal the rest of the day…), I said “f it” and threw a can of Diet Coke in the freezer to get icey cold. It’s not the 14 chocolate brownies I really want, but it still is bad for me and costs me 25 points in my clean eating challenge.

Like carrot sticks and hummus would make me feel better. Bah.

So today I suck at motherhood… I can’t control my willpower… What else is going on? Oh, career (or lack there of)…

I was supposed to have my first Yogalates for New Mommies class this morning, but the one person who signed up didn’t show. I know that it’s completely the wrong time of year to start a new class. I now know that it might be the wrong time of day for new mommies. I know that I need to build up a following in my complimentary classes before anyone believes in me enough to pay MORE money to spend time with me. I know all this, but still I wonder –

What is wrong with me and why am I not a millionaire selling my wares?!?

This (obviously) happened with Mark the Occasion Designs and the frustration led to lack of interest which led to … OH LOOK, A SQUIRREL!

Yes, I need to learn how to focus. To remind myself that there might be some setbacks or ssslllooowww growth, but if I can stick with something for the long haul, I will be that much better for it. To not go rushing through everything because sooner or later, someone might take a triple gainer off a sofa when you’re doing six other things at the same time.

I’m whining here on the internet because I think y’all might have some suggestions regarding focus. Or at least stories about how your child also took a nose dive off of a steep cliff of furniture and lived to tell the tale.

Or maybe its to get more views, because Lord knows this blog is another thing that isn’t growing by the leaps and bounds I expected.

Or finally, it’s just to tell you that you might also have a sucky day one day. They happen. Eat your brownie, drink your whiskey, take an extra lap around the track. Do whatever you’ve got to do to burn off the negativity and try again tomorrow.

P.S. It makes me laugh that even WordPress isn’t in my corner. When I saved my first draft of this post, it created the shortened title of “http://trulymargaretmary.com/2014/07/first-harm-thyself/”. Trust me, WP. It sure seems like I’m trying!

12 Comments

  1. Here comes a cyber-hug! I know it’s not a DQ Blizzard, or dessert from Le Reve, but I’m still sending it your way! And I’m here to say that you’re not alone when it comes to lack of focus, self criticism, and battling with willpower. But I know you’re looking for tools, so here goes.

    When it comes to using food as a band-aid, I run to an app called “In the Moment” https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/in-the-moment-mindful-eating/id807652328?mt=8

    When it comes to beating myself up, I ask myself by whose rules I’m living. No one says I have to be at my desk from 8:00-5:00 anymore. No one says that you have to parent a certain way, or work a certain way, or live your life by their rules. You make the rules. No conforming. Life is yours.

    • So the app continues to work for you, Kelly? Well, I guess I better invest, huh? Thanks for the reminder! “Life is yours”. I love it.

  2. Heather E

    I can’t tell you how many ‘I’m a bad mom moments’ I have had. And that feeling is probably the worst feeling there is, and all I want to do is consume that feeling in Xanax and crap food. All moms have these moments, no mom is perfect, you are not alone. Do not beat yourself up…I know you will anyways, just like I would and continue to do regarding all kinds of crap I do. Accidents are going to happen, it is NOT YOUR FAULT. I’m sorry you feel bad!

    • Heather, I started this blog pretty much as an outlet to share whats going on in my life with my BF who is in Ohio. It’s slowly becoming “Heather would get a kick out of this” instead. Glad to hear this one is no different. Solidarity, sister! 🙂

  3. Sorry to hear you had a day of falling dominoes that did not make a cool picture. With an 18 y/o daughter heading to college in 6.5 weeks, I can attest to there being many, many moments of all flavors. Regarding focus, having just launched a job search myself, take a look at the book “Body of Work” by Pamela Slim. I am reserving total endorsement until I finish reading it. Check out the podcast interview on the website 99U (99u.com). Fresh perspective on tying it all together. Best of luck.

    • Peter, thank you for these suggestions! That conference site looks great. Will have to dig deeper after listening to Ms. Slim’s interview. Will also check out the book. Good luck with your job hunt!

  4. Ed Whitaker

    Hold on Cowgirl: I guess I have to step in as the surrogate Mark here. Quit, I said quit beating yourself up so badly. Trust me that list of alleged sins is nothing compared to science fairs, menstrual cycle beginning, soft ball, girl scouts and god forbid dating, or.oh driver’s license You need to take a coupla’ deep breaths, get the chocolate covered 170 calorie ice cream cone at Mickie D’s and just laugh. Save the heartache and the beatings for when you are truly frustrated and life really really sucks, ok. Swoop up that girl child, laugh your ass off at how the day sucked and just soldier on. Ain’t no big thing, it’s just a thing as we used to say in the Vietnam era. Every baby moment is one you won’t get back. Hell have two icreams and a diet coke. Good luck from Mark’s old friend Ed Whitaker

    • Yep. Dad would have bought the giant-sized Hershey bar and laughed about the time mom locked me in the car (I think I was all of two weeks old at the time). Then probably gone into a two hour story about the joys and heartaches of parenting, but that’s a topic for another day. Thanks for that snap back to reality. 🙂

  5. Had my first trip to the ER a few months ago. I had put Bella on the changing table and was reaching for a thermometer in the drawer next to me. I had half a hand on her, and saw her turn over to belly position out of the corner of my eye (which wasn’t new). I was still digging for the thermometer when I felt her body slip out of my hand. I watched in slow motion as she crawled right off the table- head first, of course. She landed on her head, her neck gave, and the rest of her little body came down. Lucas was next to me (I was home alone with the kids) and I scooped up a hysterical Bella, told Lucas to get his shoes on, and just started driving. Called the Dr on the way but she was with a patient. Marched up to her office and they gave me some BS about just watching Bella for signs, and turned me away. I went to the ER instead. She was okay, and in the back of my mind I figured she was, but still got her checked for piece of mind. It happens to the best of us! You are still an awesome Mommy! 🙂

  6. “So today I suck at motherhood”

    Excellent. Now that you have FINALLY had “that day” you can join the support group. We meet Tuesday nights at 8:00 p.m. at the Holy Mother of All Crappy Parents Chapel. It took you six months, why the hell did you wait so long?

    Three kids. More stories than I can count that start with that same premise. Fall down the porch. Roll off the bed. Fall down the stairs (only four), and my personal recurring nauseous moment…Fingers in door. It happens, it’s horrible, and it’s great that you give a damn enough to beat yourself up a bit. But it doesn’t make you a bad parent, it makes you human.

    And FYI…Mal won’t remember it.

  7. Pingback: What I'm Reading: Rawsome Vegan Baking | Maggie Joos

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