Not Grateful For: Cable Knit Tights

Folks, let’s keep it real for a moment. I know I’m trying to be all positive in 2013, but some things just rub me the wrong way. Today, that rubbing is literal.

Cable knit tights.

You buy them thinking you’ll look like a dewy-faced American Eagle model layering the tights with a jean skirt, 14 t-shirts, a flowy scarf and a jaunty cap. Instead, you don’t remember them until it’s 14 degrees outside and you have no clean laundry, so you cobble together an outfit with an old dress and an even older sweater. (You then belittle yourself for not buying any sweaters recently. Enjoy summer clothes all you want, it’s still dang cold eight months out of the year where you live!) You first put them on (or let me more accurately state – you wrestle into the god-forsaken things only to realize you must have them on backwards because this just can’t be how they are supposed to fit. You turn them around, now sweating, to see that nope, they really are that un-body-shaped.) Add on the dress, the sweater, the animal pelt boots and look in the mirror. Eep. Good thing the majority of your public-viewing today will be quick and your coat will stay on.

You think they will keep you warm. Instead, they keep you itchy. (It’s like a wool turtleneck for your legs.) They droop behind the knees and pinch around the special places. The space allowed for the tush could fit… if you only had one butt cheek.

Cable knit tights. Great in theory. Bad in practice.

Now excuse me while I retire with a bottle of baby powder and get back into my yoga pants.

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