First, Do No Harm – Frustration With Myself

I was all set to write a big post about frustration. Things haven’t been going along with my grand plans and its boiling up to a bothering point. I can’t seem to get focused enough to get anything going.

Then it happened.

I know it was bound to happen sooner rather than later, but I really wish it wouldn’t have happened on my watch. No, that’s not true. If it would have happened while someone else was watching Malorie, I would have still felt guilty, but then also super pissed at the guardian for not keeping a constant vigil.

Yes, Miss Eggroll took a tumble off the couch today. Girlfriend was all ensconced in her boppy, playing with a tag blanket, when I made the big mistake of going to the kitchen to get my lunch. 34 seconds later, I heard a big THONK and the loudest cry girlfriend has ever made. My best guess is that she somersaulted off the edge, landing square on her back. Through tears (hers and mine), I called the doctor, then visited the doctor, and everything appears to be perfectly fine.

I’m still a wreck, which brings me to the next thing to beat myself up about – I needed comfort, so immediately (once I knew she was OK), I turned to thoughts of chocolate sundaes and baked goods. Dammit! Food is not a wooby blanket, its fuel! Tell that to the devil and angel that live in my brain. They first drove me to the McDonald’s drive-thru on the way home from the doctor, then pushed me away in a moment of clarity and gas fumes since the line was so long. Then (after I fell with car seat/Malorie and diaper bag in hand while getting out of the car… Geez… Don’t worry, I’m keeping my hands off Mal the rest of the day…), I said “f it” and threw a can of Diet Coke in the freezer to get icey cold. It’s not the 14 chocolate brownies I really want, but it still is bad for me and costs me 25 points in my clean eating challenge.

Like carrot sticks and hummus would make me feel better. Bah.

So today I suck at motherhood… I can’t control my willpower… What else is going on? Oh, career (or lack there of)…

I was supposed to have my first Yogalates for New Mommies class this morning, but the one person who signed up didn’t show. I know that it’s completely the wrong time of year to start a new class. I now know that it might be the wrong time of day for new mommies. I know that I need to build up a following in my complimentary classes before anyone believes in me enough to pay MORE money to spend time with me. I know all this, but still I wonder –

What is wrong with me and why am I not a millionaire selling my wares?!?

This (obviously) happened with Mark the Occasion Designs and the frustration led to lack of interest which led to … OH LOOK, A SQUIRREL!

Yes, I need to learn how to focus. To remind myself that there might be some setbacks or ssslllooowww growth, but if I can stick with something for the long haul, I will be that much better for it. To not go rushing through everything because sooner or later, someone might take a triple gainer off a sofa when you’re doing six other things at the same time.

I’m whining here on the internet because I think y’all might have some suggestions regarding focus. Or at least stories about how your child also took a nose dive off of a steep cliff of furniture and lived to tell the tale.

Or maybe its to get more views, because Lord knows this blog is another thing that isn’t growing by the leaps and bounds I expected.

Or finally, it’s just to tell you that you might also have a sucky day one day. They happen. Eat your brownie, drink your whiskey, take an extra lap around the track. Do whatever you’ve got to do to burn off the negativity and try again tomorrow.

P.S. It makes me laugh that even WordPress isn’t in my corner. When I saved my first draft of this post, it created the shortened title of “http://trulymargaretmary.com/2014/07/first-harm-thyself/”. Trust me, WP. It sure seems like I’m trying!