I expected to wake up and feel differently this morning. I didn’t. I still showered and went to work. I still was on the phone with a certain person for longer than necessary and had meetings with colleagues. I did cut out early at lunch, but ate a normal meal and exercised a bit. I even watched a couple of episodes of Glee. I got my hair done (read on for big reveal!) and am now drinking hot chocolate, writing blog posts and putting off school work until Randy meets me here for dinner. A regular Wednesday if there ever was one.
I happened to look at the clock at 11:45 a.m. and my heart about leapt out of my chest. A year ago at that moment, my dad’s machines took their last long beep and I about tackled the nurses and family members keeping me from fresh air. If I have my stories right, it was Nikki that held me as fell apart on that balcony, but the rest of that day is a blur.
But besides the moment this morning, the sadness of losing Dad is no different today than it was yesterday or will be tomorrow. Today is just another day with a big gaping hole in my life, and surprisingly, being the anniversary of Dad’s death isn’t as significant as I thought it would be.
If you would have told me 18 months ago that life would keep going on a normal pace without the Pop-ular Demand, I would have called you a liar. I may have been in my 20s, but I was a daddy’s girl through and through. I assumed if something happened to him, it would be the end of my life enthusiasm as well. I suppose that is another testament to his value. I (relatively quickly) learned to live without him because of all the things he taught me when he was alive. As I speak with people about this topic, they tell me that hole never leaves your heart. You can fill new parts with amazing people (I’m talking to you, Randy), but no one will replace this relationship. Sigh.
There are many other people who will leave holes in my heart if they leave this earth before me, but three have risen to the occasion today. You know who you are and OMG, you do not get to go first. We are going to live to be 800. We’ll be wizened up old men and women, but at least we’ll be without additional heartache. Er… let’s revisit this at 75.
And with that, I would like to reveal the new hairstyle and dedicate it to one of my VIPs. This new look will definitely point to the left. It’s kind of hard to tell, but the color is a lighter. Many thanks to Dawn for slowly transitioning me back to where I belong….in a blond, blond world. Whatcha think?