1. Initiate Violation
After killing time for the last 30 minutes, you get in the car late for your dinner date. Hop in. Turn on. Drive off.
Get to the stop sign at the end of the street and make your normal two-head-swivels-worth of a stop (cough, slow down, cough…) and turn left into traffic.
2. Unrealistic Hope
Immediately realize that was a cop you turned in front of and feel the heart sink into the still not yet warmed leather seat. Cross all digits that can cross and send a little note of love to the traffic gods in hopes that the officer was on his way to something more interesting.
This stage does not last long as the lights come on almost immediately. Blast.
3. Make Good Use of Sirs and/or M’ams
Pull over. Open window. Get driver’s license and insurance card ready.
Cop: May I see your license and proof of insurance, m’am?
You: Yes, sir. Here you go.
Cop: M’am, how about a card that is current? (Look down at the insurance card and realize you’re carrying one for the last car which expired last year. Double blast. Get the current card out of the glove compartment box after pawing through a stack of oil change receipts and old napkins.)
You: Sorry about that, sir. Here you go.
Cop: Thanks. Do you know why I pulled you over?
You: (Feigning ignorance.) No, sir.
Cop: Well, you didn’t come to a full and complete stop at the light.
You: Oh… No, sir. See, I’m late for dinner.
Cop: I’m sure you are. Unfortunately, I will have to give you a ticket. I’ll be right back.
4. Acceptance
Son of a duck. That’s an unhappy way to start a pleasant evening.
But you are a pretty crappy driver.
And it’s been 12 years since you’ve been pulled over. You guess you are due.
Maybe he had a bad day and your just the lucky one who is receiving his wrath. Ah well.
You wonder how expensive this ticket is going to be. You can’t remember… do you get points off for running a stop sign? You hope our insurance doesn’t go up too much.
5. ADD Moment When You Forget Something Bad is Happening
Oh look, a biker…
6. Impatient Simmer
**Four minutes go by.**
Ok, dude. Go ahead and give the ticket, but why the hold up? Is this extra punishment since you said you were already late for your dinner engagement? That’s just rude.
You harrumph a bit while twiddling your thumbs.
7. Bring Attitude to a Boil
**Four more minutes go by.**
Oh, for the love of Pete… Come ‘on! Let’s shake a tail feather here, mister. Go ahead and wreck your night just because his girlfriend didn’t like his new shoes or some other ridiculous reason to have a bad day. He’s a small town cop on the right side of the river with no fun action to deal with. It’s not your fault he didn’t graduate first in his class and get to go to a “real” district. Your dad always said small town cops were just a bunch of jerks with nothing better to do and #(%LNFI #P)84NK @#*)#%**#R…. (and so on…)
8. The Exchange
Cop: Ok, m’am here’s your license and a warning. Don’t go racing out of your street again, OK?
You: Yes, sir! Thank you, sir! I promise, sir.
9. Relief
Sweet, sweet relief.
10. Don’t Piss Him Off Again (AKA Or At Least Get Into A New Jurisdiction First)
Pause to take a moment to ensure you’re following all the rules. Belt is buckled again. Turn signal on as you get back into traffic. Drive slow to the next intersection.
And then promptly forget to come to a full and complete stop at the next sign.
Triple blast!
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I’m not very good at this, am I? I mean you… Not I. This is totally just a hypothetical lesson and not a reenactment of a recent evening in my life…*
*But let’s just say if this was a real life story, I would also say I love my local police officers and would gladly hang out on the street for hours if that meant no tickets. Y’all are great at your job! And I like your shoes, I don’t care what your girlfriend said. You’re awesome (, sir)! Oh, and I always come to a full stop at this and every other intersection with or without an actual stop sign.
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